Stargate SG-1


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Polishing Wood


Title: Polishing Wood

Author: chelle

Author's email:

Author's URL:

Fandom: Stargate SG-1

Category: Slash

Archive: Ask first

AN: A bit of silliness that I wrote for Taselby. Grrrl assured me it was funny.

Jack glanced at his watch. Daniel was late, which was unusual. Daniel tended to be more or less on time. A few minutes here and there, but never so late that you noticed it. He glanced at Sam and then at Teal'c, both waiting patiently at the bottom of the gate ramp. "Any idea where Daniel is?"

Sam shook her head. "I saw him in the ready room about a half hour ago, sir."

Teal'c nodded. "I saw him there, as well. He was polishing his wood."

Jack turned to look directly at him, but Teal'c's face remained impassive, as though he had no idea what it was he'd just said. He glanced at Carter, who, face flushed, was determinedly not looking at him. "Excuse me?"

"Is that not the proper term? Should I have said 'rubbing his wood?'"

"No." Jack was spared the need to comment further by Daniel's arrival. He was a little out of breath, but the ready room wasn't that far away.

"Sorry I'm late," he said, smiling at Jack.

"Don't make a habit of it," Jack replied, ignoring the smile. He looked up at the control room and nodded at Walter.

The first chevron engaged.


There were trees on the other side. Lots of trees. They walked through the trees, ducking wayward branches. Jack tried desperately not to think about wood. Or, more specifically, Daniel's wood.

He knew Daniel jerked off. Daniel was a guy, of course he jerked off. Jack was pretty sure he didn't jerk off on base, though, and certainly not where Teal'c would know about it. Although Teal'c did have pretty good senses, maybe Daniel hadn't realized that Teal'c knew.

But the ready room, anyone could walk in, and Daniel just didn't seem like the type to be turned on by the prospect of getting caught, although it was hard to predict someone else's kinks. Jack was pretty sure he didn't look like the type who liked to have fingers up his ass, but he did.

It had been a long time since they had been someone else's fingers.

Daniel had really long fingers.

With short nails.

He also had strong arms, good-sized biceps. Hell, they were bigger than Jack's. Jack wondered if they were the result of too much jerking off. It seemed unlikely since muscle growth generally required some form of resistance and there wasn't a lot of resistance involved in masturbating. Not in Jack's experience anyway. Maybe Daniel used some exotic technique he'd picked up while traveling around digging up old stuff. It wouldn't surprise Jack at all if he did. Something involving both hands and a really heavy book.

They came to a small clearing and Jack held up his hand, signaling a halt. "Carter."

"Yes, sir?" She was standing a couple of feet away from him, her stance one that could become aggressive with just a small shifting of her weight.

"Remind me why we're trudging through the trees."

She was too good an officer to scowl at her immediate superior, but it wasn't hard to see beneath her tolerant half-smile. "The energy readings our aerial surveys found were about 20 miles from the gate, on the other side of this forest."

Jack knew that. He had simply felt like making her say it. Annoying Carter was always fun, even if it was like shooting fish in a barrel. Not that he'd ever understood why anyone would want to shoot fish in a barrel when you could catch them. "In that case, we should get going."

"Yes, sir. Why don't I take point?"

"Whatever floats your boat, Carter."

She gave him a pale version of the tolerant smile and moved to take the lead. Daniel followed her, with Jack following him and Teal'c on their six.

They'd been walking for only a couple of minutes when Jack realized his mistake. While teasing Carter had given him a small reprieve from thoughts of Daniel and wood, he was now walking behind Daniel, with nothing to look at but Daniel's broad shoulders and cute ass. This was not a good thing.

At first Jack tried looking around. They were in an alien forest after all. There had to be something to look at other than Daniel's ass. Unfortunately, while he was looking to the side, searching for something to look at, Daniel pushed a branch out of the way and then let it go just as Jack was approaching. It hit him in the center of his chest.

Jack said, "oof," because he couldn't not say "oof."

Daniel turned and came back to check on him. He rested a hand on Jack's shoulder and earnestly asked if Jack was all right.

"Fine," Jack said, not sounding fine, because the branch had knocked the wind out of him.

"You don't sound fine." Daniel was good at stating the obvious.

"I'll be fine." He waved his hand in the direction they were going. "Go on."

Daniel glanced at Teal'c and Sam, both of whom were watching Jack try to catch his breath. "I'm sorry," he said, giving Jack his most apologetic look. Daniel was an expert in apologetic looks. He was also good at "you're an ass, but I like you anyway" looks.

"Not your fault, I should have been paying closer attention." He waved again, and this time Daniel let him go and started walking. Sam stepped ahead of him, and Jack once again began to follow. This time Jack kept his eyes focused front, where the only thing to see was Daniel's ass and the occasional branch.

For a while Jack was able to focus his wandering mind on the sounds of the native birds, but that didn't last long. Briefly, he considered thinking about the trees, but trees weren't all that interesting.

Daniel's masturbatory habits on the other handů


The day had been every bit as long as Jack had thought it would be, and then some. Hiking through the woods wasn't his favorite activity at the best of times. Hiking through the woods with nothing to look at but Daniel's ass didn't improve it much. Mainly because Daniel's ass was one of those things Jack tried not to think about, along with Carter's breasts and Teal'c's everything. Hiking through the woods, with nothing to look at but Daniel's ass, and inescapable thoughts of Daniel pulling his own putz in his head, was definitely on Jack's Top Ten List of Not Fun Ways to Spend the Day.

They managed to reach the other side of the woods before sunset, which was a plus, but the source of Carter's mysterious energy readings was still at least an hour's walk ahead. Jack had made a command decision and ordered that they make camp and hike the rest of the way in the morning. No one had challenged his decision, not that anyone ever challenged his decisions, except Daniel, and Carter when she thought he was wrong, and Teal'c every once in a while. On the whole they did what Jack told them and he liked it that way.

The MRE's were tuna, and actually tasted like tuna. Unfortunately, Jack didn't like tuna all that much. But making camp and eating dinner gave him a good reason not to think about Daniel.

It was dark by the time they finished eating. Jack took first watch and assigned Daniel to the final watch. That way Daniel would be asleep by the time Jack entered their tent and once he got up he wouldn't be returning to the tent to sleep, which meant that at no point would Jack be lying in his sleeping bag wondering if Daniel was surreptitiously jerking off.

It was a good plan.

Like all good plans, it failed.


Being on watch was normally something Jack liked. He enjoyed the quiet and staring up at stars that weren't his own was damned cool. Jack couldn't imagine it not being cool.

But for some reason the stars on P5X-835 all seemed to form penises. Penises with foreskins, penises without foreskins, penises in profile, and penises that were flaccid. Everywhere Jack looked in the sky, there were penises.

There was no way in hell he was looking at the woods. And where had Teal'c learned the phrase "polishing his wood" anyway? It wasn't the kind of thing Jack said, and it certainly wasn't something Daniel or Carter would say. Neither of them were the type to hide behind euphemisms, although Carter would blush.

Daniel had never been one to blush.

He flushed occasionally though, and Jack could imagine him flushed with arousal, touching himself, his biceps flexing as he stroked, his teeth cutting into his lower lip to prevent any sounds from escaping, far too easily. It was the image he'd been living with for most of the day, the image that had made his dick hard and walking difficult.

When they got back to Earth, Jack was going to lock himself in his house and spend a weekend jerking off to that image.

In the meantime, he went back to looking at the stars.


He crept into the tent, determined not to wake Daniel. Daniel had taken the spot closest to the tent flaps, and Jack had to inch around him. Once he was on the far side of Daniel, he removed his vest and began unbuttoning his shirt. He didn't bother folding the shirt, just rolled it into a ball and unbuttoned his fly. He bit his lip to keep from moaning in relief as he lowered his zipper. Fortunately, his dick had long since lost any tendency to spring forward, even when it had been hard for what felt like forever.


Jack didn't jump. He was a seasoned officer and seasoned officers didn't jump. "Why aren't you asleep?"

"Not tired."

Some days Jack was tempted to strap Daniel into a car seat and drive him around the block until he fell asleep. "Sure you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Daniel, you have to be tired."

"I think I'd know if I was tired, Jack."

"Fine, you're not tired."

Jack slid out of his pants, hoping it was dark enough that Daniel wasn't getting an eyeful. Then he unzipped his sleeping bag and was about to crawl into it when Daniel spoke.

"You have an erection."

If there had been a wall nearby, Jack would have hit his head against it. "Thank you for pointing that out. I never would have noticed."

"Just being helpful."

Daniel had a great smile and a hideous smirk. Jack was pretty sure he was smirking. He crawled into his sleeping bag and deliberately zipped it back up. "Good night, Daniel," he said, resting his hands on his chest.

"Night, Jack."

Jack closed his eyes and listened to Daniel breathing. His breath was shallow but even. Jack began to relax. Maybe his plan would work after all, Daniel's observations not withstanding.

Then the rustling started. It was a subtle sound, like skin against a sleeping bag. Like the back of a hand against the inside of a sleeping bag, to be exact. Jack tried to concentrate on the sounds of the wildlife, but apparently this was a cricketless planet. All he could hear was the sound of Daniel's rubbing.

"Daniel," he said when he couldn't take it any more, "will you stop that?"

"Stop what?"


"What that?"

Daniel was toying with him. Jack knew it and Daniel knew it. "Polishing your wood."

"Polishing my wood? Do you think I carry carvings with me?"

"You know what I mean."

"No, Jack, I'm afraid I don't."

Jack took a deep breath. "Pulling your putz."

"I have a putz?"


"Just say what you mean."

"Fine. Stop jerking off and go to sleep. That's an order."

"Fine." Daniel sounded irritated, but Jack didn't care.

Silence reigned, for all of two minutes. "It's your fault I was jerking off in the first place," Daniel said petulantly.

"My fault? How is your lack of self-control my fault?"

"I do not lack self-control. And you were the one with the erection."

"You were the one who was jerking off," Jack pointed out, feeling supremely logical.

"Only because you had an erection."

"You were jerking off because I had an erection? And you think I'm illogical."

"Knowing you were hard, got me hard."

"Oh," Jack said, because he couldn't think of anything else. The irony had left him speechless. "Daniel," he said after thinking about it for a minute or two, "were you polishing your wood on base today?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Teal'c said that's what you were doing."

"It is what I was doing."

If Jack could remember who the saint of patience was he'd have prayed to him or her, lapsed Catholic or not. "What were you polishing?"

"A wooden artifact that SG-15 brought back from P95-361. Why?"

Daniel connected the dots before Jack could answer. He turned on to his side, lifting himself onto one arm. "You were thinking about me polishing my wood. That's why you were hard."

Daniel didn't have to sound quite so accusing. It wasn't as if Jack hadn't made him hard just by being hard. "So?"

"So? That's all you have to say?"

"What do you want me to say?" This was the exact response that had never failed to make Sarah turn around and leave the room, slamming the door behind her.

Daniel merely answered the question. "You could say, 'Daniel thinking about your cock turns me on.'"

"Why would I say that?"

"Because then I'd say, 'thinking about your cock turns me on too, Jack.'"

"And then?"

"And then we jerk each other off."

"Oh." Jack pondered that for a moment. "That could work."

He heard the distinctive sound of a sleeping bag being unzipped. Deciding that Daniel invariably had the best ideas, he unzipped his own.

Daniel somehow managed to close the few inches between their sleeping bags without getting out of his. When their sleeping bags were nestled up against one another, Daniel rested his head on his arm. "Hey there," he said. In the dim light Jack could make out just enough of his smile to be uncomfortably reminded of the way Dixon had smiled at him when his team had beaten Jack's during their last war game.


Evidently, hey secretly meant "feel me up" because Daniel stuck his hand inside Jack's sleeping bag and did just that. It took him a bit of feeling about before he located Jack's cock, and then he only gave it the briefest of squeezes before he tried to slide his hand into the opening in Jack's boxers.

"I could take them off."

Daniel immediately removed his hand. "Okay."

Jack lifted his hips and lowered his boxers. Daniel didn't move. "You could take yours off, too."

"I could."

Jack tried to remember if he'd ever endured this much aggravation for a hand job before. "So why don't you?"

"You don't need to get testy."

"Daniel, I have spent the past several hours staring at trees, your ass, and penis constellations. I want to get off. I would like to get off with you, but I'm willing to do it without you if I have to."

"The constellations all look like penises?"


Daniel removed his boxers, but Jack was pretty sure the hideous smirk was back. He chose not to look.

Finally, they were both naked and close enough that they should be able to reach. "You ready?" Jack asked.

"Why don't you check for yourself?"

Flirting was not Daniel's forte. In fact, Jack had never anyone as attractive as Daniel who flirted so badly. Fortunately for Daniel, Jack didn't need persuading. He reached into Daniel's sleeping bag, his hand landing on Daniel's abs, which were harder than they looked. A lot harder. "Have you been working out?"

"You told me to workout."

"That was years ago."

"I kept it up."

Jack grunted and slid his hand lower. Daniel was disturbingly hairless. At last he found some--curly and wiry, and sticking out of it, Daniel's cock. It was pretty thick, not a coke can, but still thicker than Jack had expected. He stroked it slowly, all the way to the top and then all the way to the bottom. Jack was pretty sure his was longer.



"Isn't there something you should be doing?"

"Oh, sorry." Once again, Daniel fumbled his way into Jack's sleeping bag. His hand landed on Jack's chest, and Daniel took his sweet time moving it lower, somehow managing to brush Jack's nipples along the way, even though they were above where his hand had landed. "You have a lot of hair."

"You studied how long to become this observant?"

"Are you always this testy when you're horny?"


"I kinda like it," Daniel said conversationally, as though his hand hadn't just curled around Jack's dick, and Jack wasn't currently slowly jacking his. "It makes a nice change. Usually the people I sleep with are just so damned happy."

It must be nice for Daniel to be having sex with someone who wasn't swooning at the thought of being naked with the great Dr. Jackson, Jack thought. Then Daniel rubbed his thumb over the head of Jack's cock and Jack stopped thinking.

Not entirely. He thought enough to rub his thumb over the head of Daniel's cock and to match Daniel's rhythm. Jack would have tried to set the rhythm himself, but Daniel had set a good one, and Jack had never been one to give orders solely for the sake of giving orders.

So he matched Daniel's rhythm, and enjoyed the feel of a cock that wasn't his, and a hand that wasn't his. And he listened to Daniel's breathing and imagined his flushed face. And when he came first he blamed it on having spent the entire day with a hard-on. And when Daniel came, Jack tried to pretend it wasn't incredibly satisfying, but he'd never been good at pretending.

He woke up when Daniel left to take watch, mainly because his hand was still on Daniel's dick. When Daniel whispered, "go back to sleep, Jack," and brushed a tiny kiss across his lips, Jack smiled.

Then he went back to sleep.

Carter's power source turned out to be a hydroelectric dam built by some very nice people with nothing useful to trade in the way of either stuff or information. Jack liked them, though, and on the hike back to the gate he let Carter take point.

And when Daniel mentioned that he had some wood polishing to do over the weekend, Jack generously volunteered to help.