Phantom Menace


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Name And Address Withheld, By Request


Title: Name And Address Withheld, By Request

Fandom: Phantom Menace

Author's email:

Author's URL:

Category: Slash

Pairing: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi

Archive: Ask first

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: This story involves UNDERAGE OBI-WAN having sex with an adult. If that squicks you, stop reading now.

Summary: A letter is sent from the Jedi Temple to Humanoid Hustler.

Notes: This is a sequel to The Padawan's Penis. I still consider the HST series to be a sequel to that story and this story will contradict those. So, it's an A/U of a humor series. Amazing what the bunnies can create. This story was co-written with my SO.

AN: Spew warnings. Do not eat or drink while reading this story. The authors do not accept responsibility for damaged computer equipment or stained clothing. Proceed with due caution.

The masters were seated at their usual table for dinner. Each holding their own copy of the Senate Infrastructure Committee's most recent report on sewer construction techniques on frozen planets. Tucked neatly inside was the latest edition of Humanoid Hustler. Every copy was open to page seventy-four. The page that held the letter upon which all of their attention was focused.

Qui-Gon slid into his customary place, setting down his copy of the Senate report.

"Did you read page seventy-four?" Mace Windu asked, his voice low and urgent.

"Uh, huh."

"Who do you think wrote it?"

"What makes you think any of us wrote it?"

"Come on Qui. Someone here had to have."

Master Yoda chose that moment to levitate himself on to the table. He pounded his gimmer stick on the table for emphasis. "Told you before I have. True these letters are not. Hire writers they do."

"But, Master, have you read it?" Mace asked.

"Need to read it I do not. In 700 years, yet to see an original one I have. Given up on letters, I have. Look at pictures only, I do."

"Read it you should," Mace replied. Qui-Gon kicked him under the table. Mace cleared his throat. "What I meant is that this one is, ahh, original."

"To say the least," added a Master from the far end of the table.

"Insist you do. Hear it I will." He looked squarely at his former apprentice. "Padawan, read."

Containing a groan, Qui-Gon opened his copy. Clearing his throat, he began to read, "Dear Humanoid Hustler, I never believed…"

"Always say that they do."

Qui-Gon glared at his master and resumed reading. "…that these stories were real until it happened to me. In fact, I had it on the highest authority that they were not. For many years one of your oldest subscribers has refused to read the letters, claiming none of them were true or original. 'Read that one two hundred years ago, I did,' he has said repeatedly. However despite his claims, I am now convinced of the veracity of the epistles which appear on your letters page."

"Perhaps I should give you a little background first," the letter continued.

"Background not needed, know you all your life, I have."

"Master, that was the letter."

"Oh. Sorry, am I. Continue you shall."

"Yes, Master." Qui-Gon cleared his throat and resumed reading. "I am a teacher at a temple with a young apprentice. He is exceedingly attractive with smoldering eyes and a fine, muscular ass. Since the early days of his apprenticeship I have observed him staring at my sizable member. At first it was clearly with envy, but of late his gaze had seemed more lustful than envious."

"Always brag about size they do. Unless written by Qui-Gon, true it is not."

They all nodded, marveling once again at Yoda's insight and perception.

Qui-Gon did not nod. A pinkish tint appeared on his cheeks.

"Continue, my Padawan."

Sighing, Qui-Gon again resumed reading. "About three years ago, my apprentice purchased a device from Galactic Get-offs. In all that time I have not asked him about it. But the sound of the device, whatever it is, had begun to haunt my dreams, as I imagined what my apprentice was doing to himself late at night. One afternoon, I returned to our quarters, only to hear the familiar sound emanating once again from his quarters. Deciding there and then that the time had come to learn the exact nature of this device, I approached my apprentice's room. I did not knock. Instead, I quietly opened the door."

Qui-Gon stopped as a young apprentice approached the table.

"Master Yoda, I have a question…"

Yoda glared at the interloper. "Permission to approach you have not. Discussing matters of great import to the Republic we are. Can you not see that our folders are on the table?"

"Uhh, yes, Master."

"Leave us you will." Yoda made a shooing motion with one hand while brandishing his gimmer stick with the other.

The padawan bowed deeply while backing hastily away.

Yoda's attention returned to Qui-Gon. "Read on, you will. Interesting it gets."

Qui-Gon took a deep breath and continued. "The sight before me was shocking. There on the floor, was my own master, clutching a hot pink tube in his small green hands. Opposite him sat my apprentice, holding another part of the device. On the floor beside him was a second device, clearly a more current model."

"My apprentice snapped a part of the casing shut. 'It should work fine now. If it doesn't just let me know.'"

"'Thank you, I do,' my master replied. 'After seven hundred years, sentimental value it has.' He shook his head. 'Wrong they are not to honor lifetime guarantee.'" With that he rose and walked past me out of the room. My apprentice flashed me one of his heart stopping smiles. 'He should have read the fine print. The lifetime guarantee excludes Jedi Masters."

"Wrong that is." Yoda looked around the table. The other masters vigorously nodded their heads. "Hire lawyer we shall." He turned his attention back to Qui-Gon. "Read, Padawan, read."

Yet again, Qui-Gon resumed reading. "'What exactly does that thing do?' I asked. My apprentice hesitated. 'I'm not sure you really want to know.' Placing my hands on my hips, I tapped my foot. 'Well, it's a, uhh, humanoid male expansion kit,' he replied in a rush. 'A what? I asked again. He sighed, 'a humanoid male expansion kit.'"

"Work these things do not." Yoda pounded his gimmer stick on the table. Several padawans seated nearby looked up in alarm.

"Calm yourself, Master. You're scaring the students."

"Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." Yoda gave the last word his customary emphasis.

"Yes, my Master," Qui-Gon answered, his voice filled with resignation. Lifting his file folder, he resumed reading. "Before I could ask he said, 'It doesn't work.' 'Then why do you use it so frequently?' I asked. He blushed. 'The suction is rather pleasant.' I considered this. 'More pleasant than a humanoid mouth?' His blush deepened. 'I wouldn't know. I've never experienced that.' I dropped gracefully to the floor beside him. Taking his cheek in my hand, I said quietly, 'Do not worry, my Padawan. It is a situation which can be easily remedied.'"

Mace looked up. "My copy says 'apprentice.'"

"Mine too," chorused the rest of the table.

Qui-Gon blushed. "Sorry," he muttered.

"Padawan." Qui-Gon looked up. Yoda's hands were sliding up and down his gimmer stick. "Resume reading, you should."

"Yes, Master. Leaning forward I kissed him. His lips parted eagerly. Wasting no time, I began to undo his belt and sash. I slid my large hands inside his opened tunic. He gasped as I touched him. Our tongues danced as I eased him onto his back. Skillfully I aroused him."

"In these letters, skilled everyone is. No groping or accidental poking in the eye is there. No hair from ears gets in mouth."

Qui-Gon ignored him. "Hooking my fingers into the waistband of his leggings I pulled them swiftly down. His cock was beautiful, not as large as my own, but magnificent nonetheless. It was irresistible. I took him into my mouth. He groaned in pleasure. I sucked eagerly, more aroused than I had ever been before."

"Wonder I do, at the quality of their sex lives. Always more aroused than ever before they are."

Qui-Gon sighed at the interruption. He wanted nothing more than to get this over. His dinner was cold. His master annoying. His cock hard.

Yoda looked at him. "Well."

Qui-Gon began to read. "His hands tangled in my long hair, urging me on. He moaned my name as I swallowed him to the root. It was the sexiest thing I had ever heard. I was so hard I could have drilled a piece of wood."

"Qui-Gon, advisable that is not. Splinters you will get."

Grimacing, unable to think of a response, he resumed reading. "My apprentice's hips bucked upward, and he deposited a load of hot spicy come in my mouth. I swallowed it all."

"Dribbling, there is not. Another reason true these letters are not. In real life swallow that fast no one does." The masters all nodded, once again awed by Yoda's undeniable wisdom.

Qui-Gon ignored it all, doggedly continuing to read. "My hot young lover was eager to return the favor. His strong callused hands tore open my tunic. His tongue caressed my nipples. A moan escaped my lips as he moved downward. Poised over me, he yanked down my leggings with one quick movement. A mixture of delight and awe shone in his face as he covered as much of my twelve inch torpedo as he could with his hands."

"Always measuring it they are."

The tips of Qui-Gon's ears turned slightly red. He ignored his master's most recent interruption and continued reading. "There was no way my young lover could take all of me into his mouth, but he tried valiantly. Moist heat covered the head of my cock as his mouth descended on me. What he lacked in experience, he made up for with enthusiasm. He sucked for all he was worth, while lapping gently with his tongue. I must have pumped a gallon of come down his throat."

"Gallon not possible. A couple of ounces, maybe, if not done it for a long time he had."

The end at last in sight, Qui-Gon did not stop reading or acknowledge his master in any way. "After he fell asleep, I slipped from his side and crept to the middle of the floor where the device lay. Picking up the tube with one hand I pushed the on button and the sound which had haunted my sleep filled the room. But that is another letter. Name and address withheld, by request."

"Hmmpf," Yoda snorted. "Always promise sequel they do. Appear they do not. Sounds familiar this does. Read it before I have. Sequel never appeared." With that he levitated himself off of the table and headed for the door. Qui-Gon sighed in relief.

Obi-Wan Kenobi was just entering the dining hall. "Master Yoda, I can return your attachment. The replacement for mine arrived."

"Lucky you are not Master, you are. Guarantee not apply to masters. Tell Qui-Gon to use Wookie attachment you must. Do not let him use Gungan tongue attachment by mistake. Painful it is. Know this, I do."

Obi-Wan bowed his head in acknowledgment. "Yes, Master."

He leaned close and whispered, "Read page seventy-four of Senate Infrastructure Committee's latest report you should. Instructive you will find it." He continued out the door.