Phantom Menace


No copyright infringement is intended or should be inferred. No money was made from the writing or posting of any content on this fan site.

From Bi The Way, at

chelle's site is maintained by chelle.

HST 7: Anal Intercouse: The Class


Title: HST 7: Anal Intercouse: The Class

Fandom: Phantom Menace

Author's email:

Author's URL:

Category: Slash

Pairing: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi

Archive: Ask first

Rating: PG

Warnings: None, really. Spews are unlikely with this one. It's more amusing than laugh out loud funny.

Beta: A heartfelt, thanks, as always, to kaly for the beta.

AN: Mac, Emu and Wolfe's bunny, I just write 'em. Thank you to Mac for the jewelry reference.

Obi-Wan resisted the urge to watch his master wiggle into the desk chair. Instead he focused his attention on the students seated before him.

"Good morning."

"Good morning, Instructor Kenobi," they chorused in response.

He smiled at them. "How was yesterday's class? I trust Ragen covered the material thoroughly."

"We missed the demonstrations," said a voice from the back of the room.

Obi-Wan chuckled. "Surprisingly, we weren't allowed to demonstrate anything before the Senate committee."

"What's today's class?"

"Anal intercourse." As soon as the words were out of his mouth Obi-Wan knew he was in trouble.

"We'll get a demonstration today then."

"Uhh, no," Obi-Wan answered.

"But you and Master Jinn…" The voice trailed off as the students erupted in laughter. Qui-Gon's deep chuckle was unmistakable.

You find this amusing, Master?

Come now, Obi-Wan…

Isn't it a little public for that?

Qui-Gon chuckled. I was going to say that one can hardly blame them for assuming…

That we're lovers. Obi-Wan grinned at him.

Yes. The smile was returned.

Obi-Wan realized that the two of them were in the middle of a silent classroom clearly having a private conversation.

"We missed that, too."

"What was that?"

"The silent conversations, Instructor Kenobi. We missed them."

"Why ever would you?"

The students laughed. "We speculate on what you were saying after class." One of the braver students replied.

"I'm sure your speculations are far more interesting than the actual conversations." Qui-Gon said archly.

"I'm not so sure about that, Master Jinn." The student answered.

Qui-Gon chuckled, gave his padawan a meaningful look. "That might be true. My padawan is nothing if not an interesting conversationalist."

Ignoring the heat in his cheeks, Obi-Wan cleared his throat. "Perhaps we should actually discuss the material."

The students all turned from Qui-Gon to him. "Now, as I mentioned earlier, today's class is anal intercourse."

One of the students squirmed visibly. "Is something wrong, Padawan?" Obi-Wan asked.

"No, Instructor Kenobi. It's just the thought of anything up there. Well, it just doesn't seem like it'd be very pleasurable that's all."

"I see."

"In fact, it seems kind of gross."

Obi-Wan could sense Qui-Gon's stifled laughter.

"I can understand why you might feel that way," Obi-Wan began. "It is certainly not the first part of the humanoid body that comes to mind when one thinks of pleasure."

"Did you ever think it was gross?"

"Yeah, what's it like the first time?"

"Does it hurt?"

"Isn't it kind of small for that?"

Obi-Wan held up his hand, bringing an end to the onslaught of questions. He took a deep breath. "Anal intercourse allows for the stimulation of the prostate in men and similarly sensitive tissues in women. It can take some time to become accustomed to the sensations. And no, with the proper amount of lubrication, it doesn't have to hurt."

"Are you sure?"

Obi-Wan nodded. "That's what the syllabus says."

"The syllabus?" One of the student's asked.

"Yes, the syllabus."

"So, you haven't actually done it." One of the student's said slowly.

Obi-Wan flushed. "Nnnooo."

"But…" All of the students were now looking at Qui-Gon. "Aren't you two…"

"That's a very personal question." Obi-Wan said.

"We just assumed…because of the demonstrations…"

"And the fact that you never talk about women." Another of the students added.

"The bell always rings," Obi-Wan said defensively.

"You could have discussed it earlier in the class."

"What?" Obi-Wan was beginning to feel out of his element.

"Women. You say the bell always rings, but you discuss men first."

"All of you ask so many questions that we run out of time."

"We may ask questions, but you flirt."

"What?" Obi-Wan heard himself ask yet again.

"Flirt. You and Master Jinn. You flirt."

"We weren't flirting. Qui-Gon was just assisting…" Obi-Wan swallowed. "He thought the demonstrations might help…"

"Sure, help him get you into bed."


"It worked." Qui-Gon strode to the front of the room. He hid his amusement at the stunned expressions which greeted him. "You shouldn't ask a question if you don't want the answer." He smiled warmly at his apprentice, before scanning the room.

"Now, in answer to your other questions. I don't think I ever thought of anal sex as gross. At least not any more so than any other kinds of sex."

The students laughed, beginning to relax.

"Did you, Padawan?"

"No, Master," Obi-Wan smiled at him, his affection for his master showing clearly in his expression. I always thought of you when I thought about anal intercourse. Nothing I imagined doing with you seemed gross.

Qui-Gon had turned to look directly into Obi-Wan's eyes. Padawan.

"They're at it again."

Qui-Gon forced his attention back to the class. "The first time is a little uncomfortable. There is some stretching and a feeling of fullness. But if your partner is careful, it shouldn't hurt."

"It just doesn't seem, well, big enough."

Qui-Gon nodded. "No, it doesn't seem that way. But the tissues in question can be surprisingly elastic."

"Any further questions?" When none were forthcoming, he turned to Obi-Wan. "What's next?"

"Lubrication, Master."

He turned his attention back to the students. "The anal opening doesn't provide any natural lubrication, making some form of outside lubrication necessary. Whatever kind of lubricant you use, make certain that you apply plenty of it."


"Fingers are the most common method."

"What should you use?"

"There are lots of choices. Saliva and semen are usually easy to find, but a little harder to use than artificial lubricants. You can pretty much use anything that doesn't contain any ingredients harmful to your species and can be washed away with water."

The room was quiet for a long moment. "Saliva?" said a voice from the corner.

"You can apply it with your fingers or your tongue."

"Tongue. Isn't that kind of, well, gross?"

"Not really. Just have your partner bathe first." The students laughed. Qui-Gon was startled to hear Obi-Wan join in.

"What's next?" the master asked, turning toward his padawan.


Qui-Gon shrugged. "Pretty much any position which can be used for vaginal penetration can also be used for anal intercourse. Anything else?"

Obi-Wan nodded and moved to the Galactic Get-Offs box on the desk. He pulled out a small green butt plug. "Well, there's this."

"What is it?" one of the students asked.

"It's an anal plug," Obi-Wan answered. "The design allows it to be inserted and left in place. Even while the wearer engages in other activities."

"That's just weird."

Obi-Wan chuckled. "I have to admit that was my first reaction as well. You'll notice that the base is flared. Don't ever insert an object all of the way into your rectum. Make certain that some part of it remains outside or you could be making a very embarrassing trip to the healers."

The students laughed. Qui-Gon did not.

Obi-Wan reached back into the box and pulled out a string of beads with a small ring at the end.

"Jewelry?" A student asked.

"I don't think so," Obi-Wan answered, looking at his master.

"They're anal beads. You insert them and then slowly remove them," Qui-Gon explained.

"Oh." Obi-Wan was studying the beads, trying to imagine how their insertion and removal could be pleasurable.

The bell rang.

The students filed past them and out the door. Just before the door closed, they heard the words, "So what do you think they were talking about this time?" And the reply, "Probably who's going to be on the bottom tonight."

Obi-Wan looked up at his master. "Who is going to be on the bottom tonight?"

Qui-Gon wrapped his arms around his padawan and pulled him close. "Are you saying you wish to try anal intercourse?" As he asked, he nuzzled the younger man's neck.

Obi-Wan tilted his head, offering Qui-Gon greater access. "Ummm."

Qui-Gon lifted his head and smiled briefly at Obi-Wan before kissing him soundly. I am perfectly willing to be on the bottom.

I thought you'd say that.

Qui-Gon broke the kiss. "Why?"

Obi-Wan flushed. "Well, uh, Master Yoda once told me that you were always on the bottom."

"He what?" Obi-Wan tried not to flinch at the anger in Qui-Gon's voice.

"He said that because of your size you were always on the bottom. That there was not enough lube on all of Coruscant…"

"I see." Qui-Gon's voice was cold. "And when, exactly, did he tell you these things?"

"It was about five, maybe six, years ago. Do you remember the box I received in the mail?"

"It didn't come in the mail. But yes I remember. What does this have to do with Yoda?"

"He found me using the device in the box. And, well, we sorta had this conversation about sex…" Obi-Wan's voice trailed off.

"During which Master Yoda told you that I was always on the bottom." Qui-Gon finished.

Obi-Wan nodded, "Yes, Master."

"That little green troll. What did he think he was doing discussing my sex life with my padawan?"

"I think that he was trying to reassure me, Master."

"Reassure you of what?"

"That I'm well, that I'm adequately endowed."

"You are more than adequately endowed, Obi-Wan."

"I realize that now. But I was just a kid at the time and when I compared myself to you…"

Qui-Gon slumped into a nearby chair. The ease with which he did it made Obi-Wan wonder if all of the wiggling he usually did when trying to sit anywhere else in the classroom was really necessary. He rested his elbows on the desk with his head in his hands. "It really is a curse, you know."

"Your size?"

"I am always on the bottom," Qui-Gon replied miserably.

"You don't have to be with me, Master." Qui-Gon looked up at him hopefully. "We'll take turns."

"Are you sure Obi-Wan? Because I really am…"

Obi-Wan interrupted him. "I know. I am intimately familiar with your dimensions, remember?" Qui-Gon flushed slightly. "And I intend to become even more familiar with them." As he said the last he settled himself onto Qui-Gon's lap and bestowed a long sensuous kiss on his master's willing lips. Besides I think all of the lube on Coruscant is in Master J'lath's box. Qui-Gon's chuckle went completely unheard.

They were still kissing when Yoda entered the room. "Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, demonstrating again, are you? Thought Oral Stimulation level one was days ago, I did."

Obi-Wan did not make any effort to move. "It was Master Yoda. We're just practicing for the final exam."

Yoda's ears picked up slightly. "Obi-Wan, instructor you are. Need to take final exam you do not."

Obi-Wan turned and thumped his master on the arm. "You lied to me. How could you?" he exclaimed and ran from the room.

Yoda watched the door close behind him. "Funny, that was not."


"Mischievous, your Padawan is."

"Yes, Master. Almost as mischievous as a certain Jedi Master I know."

Yoda nodded slowly. "Master Windu."

"No, a short Jedi Master."

"Adi, mischievous as well."

"A short, green Jedi Master."

"Yaddle," Yoda agreed sadly. He looked up at Qui-Gon widening his eyes and allowing his ears to droop. "Many jokes, played on me, she has."

"No, Master. A short, green Jedi Master who is very familiar with the sound of Galactic Get-Offs patented self-powered motor, and in possession of an annoying tendency to interfere in other people's private affairs."

"How private you think it is, when conduct demonstrations you do? Hmmmm?"

"We were not conducting any demonstrations when you told Obi-Wan that I am always on the bottom."

"Ahhh. Sad for you, I was, my Padawan. Never to know that exquisite tight heat, you were."

Qui-Gon shook his head. "So you felt compelled to discuss this supposed misfortune with my apprentice?"

Master Yoda raised himself to his full height. "No. Preventing his fall, I was. Envied you he did. Wish to lose another apprentice did you?"

A long sigh. "No, Master."

"Well, then, help you I did."

He never won. Qui-Gon hung his head. Not even when Yoda was blindingly, obviously wrong. He still never won.

"Besides got you hot monkey sex, I did."

Qui-Gon looked up. "Hot monkey sex," he repeated carefully. There was only one place his master could have learned that phrase. "Master, did you renew your subscription to Humanoid Hustler?"

Yoda banged his gimmer stick on the floor, saying gleefully, "Yes, missed it I did."

"How? I thought they vowed to never send you another issue after the letters incident."

Yoda leaned forward. "Subscribed under Mace's name I did."

"I thought Mace already had a subscription."

"Use your name, he did."

Somehow, Qui-Gon wasn't surprised. "Master, how did you get me hot monkey sex?"

"Turned Obi-Wan's envy to lust, I did. Grateful you should be."

"Yes, Master."

"Get lunch, we should." Qui-Gon rose and the two began to walk to the dining hall.

"Heard much about Obi-Wan and demonstration for Oral Stimulation Level Two, I have. True, is it?"

"Master, I will not discuss my Padawan with you or anyone else in such a fashion."

"Why? Tells me he does." Yoda's eyes were widening again. "Told me you excel at kissing he did. If he tells, why not you?"

"He was just humoring you."

"Then excel at kissing you do not." The ears drooped again. "Disappointed, I am. In seven hundred years, never have I had a Padawan who could not kiss well."

Qui-Gon stifled his sigh. He never won. He just never won.