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The Weight in my Hand


Title: The Weight in my Hand

Author: chelle

Author's email:

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Fandom: Atlantis

Archive: Ask first

AN: The title is from Robert Creeley's "Song":

But fate, love, fate
scares me. What
I took in my hand
grows in weight.

John rolled them, his weight pushing Rodney's legs apart, giving him room to settle between them. He was kissing Rodney like he couldn't get enough, like they could do this for the rest of their lives and John would still need more. John sucked on his lower lip and Rodney lifted his hips, pushing them against John's.

"I want to fuck you," John murmured and Rodney shuddered. He had never been able to pull off saying things like that during sex. He usually sounded silly, but John had an edge that meant he could probably sing the Alphabet Song during sex and it would be hot.

"Yes." Rodney always said yes. He didn't think he was physically capable of saying no, at least not to John.

John lifted himself up onto his hands, staring down at Rodney, panting slightly. "I had an idea."

Rodney stroked John's lower lip with his thumb. "Did you?"

"Yeah. A couple of nights ago. I couldn’t sleep and I started thinking about you." John paused and Rodney could hear his own heart pound. John had fantasized about him. He fantasized about John, but he'd never tell John that.

But John would. John would tell Rodney what he imagined, in detail. Rodney had concluded months ago that sex was the one intimacy John was comfortable with. Rodney was okay with that, because John was the most uninhibited lover he'd ever had.

John reached past Rodney for the lube that was stored in the small bedside table. He held it up between them. "You put this on yourself."

He'd fingerfucked himself in John's imagination. Rodney wasn't really surprised. "While you watched," he said, wondering if he could do it in real life.

Surprisingly, John flushed a little, then he nodded. "It was really hot."

Rodney held his right hand palm up and John looked at it for a moment before opening the lube and squirting some of the smooth gel onto Rodney's fingers. Then he sat back on his knees, between Rodney's legs.

Lifting himself onto one elbow, Rodney rubbed the lube between his thumb and his first two fingers, making sure there was some on the ends. Reaching between his legs, he fumbled for a moment before finding his opening. His eyes on John's face, he pushed a single finger inside.

He'd had fingers in his ass before--John's fingers--but never his own, and he wasn't prepared for how warm and smooth it was. He imagined what it would feel like to have that warmth and smooth tightness around his cock, and John's desire for him suddenly made a lot more sense.

He moved his finger back and forth a little, because the edges of his entrance were sensitive and the touch felt good.

"God, Rodney," John whispered and Rodney lifted his eyes to John's face. John looked open, exposed, as though he was the one with his own fingers up his ass. Keeping his eyes on John's, Rodney added a second finger, groaning a little just to see what John would do.

John bit his lower lip. Then he licked it. "Move... move your fingers in and out… please."

There was no dark edge to the desire in John's voice, just a defenseless wanting. Rodney began moving his fingers without even thinking about it.

The angle wasn't great, but he could get them all the way in. It felt good, not as good as when John did it, but that could have been because Rodney was more focused on John and the way John was staring at him than he was on the sensations.

"Touch your prostate," John whispered, and Rodney wondered how John knew he hadn't. Then he crooked his fingers, gasping as pleasure went shooting through him.


"John," Rodney said, but he did it, his eyes falling shut, the pleasure making him want to push his ass onto his own fingers.

Something brushed his hand and Rodney opened his eyes. It was John. John was stroking Rodney's knuckles with his fingers, and Rodney had no idea how such a simple touch could feel so intensely erotic.

John touched his hand while Rodney touched his own ass, caressing the back of Rodney's hand with his fingers. Then John moved his fingers to the edge of Rodney's entrance, his fingers touching Rodney's as Rodney pulled them out, and again as he pushed them back in. John was staring at their hands and Rodney's ass, and Rodney stared at him.

"Rodney." There was a small catch in John's voice that made something catch in Rodney. John looked up at him. "Can I put a finger in too?"

The thought of John touching him like that, of both of their fingers moving in and out of him, made him ache inside. Unsure he could find the words, Rodney nodded.

Instead of picking up the lube, John brought his finger to his mouth and slid it inside. He kept his eyes on Rodney's as he sucked, and Rodney felt helpless in the face of his own desire. He wanted John to touch him, to fuck him, to do anything to him as long as it meant he could feel John.

John lowered his hand, and Rodney withdrew his fingers until only the first knuckle remained inside. John pushed his finger in beside Rodney's. It was a stretch and it made him burn, but Rodney wanted it. He could feel John's finger touching his, and the slight touch of a finger shouldn't feel that good, not on other fingers, but it did.

He wanted to move, wanted to push himself onto their fingers, but he couldn't, not in the position he was in. He had to wait while John covered Rodney's hand with his own and pushed their fingers slowly deeper.

John knew exactly how to touch him, and he guided Rodney's hand to all of the right places. Rodney's head fell back and he closed his eyes. He wanted to keep looking at John but he couldn't focus. Trying to tell John that, he said John's name.

Warm, quiet touch on his cock and Rodney opened his eyes. John was stroking him with his just thumb and fingers, the way he did when he wanted to keep Rodney on the edge. "John," Rodney said again, sounding like he was coming apart.

"I want to see you come."

John always wanted to see him come. It was why they always fucked face-to-face. The intensity with which John watched him had felt a little strange at first, but Rodney had gotten used to it. Then he'd started to like it.

"Can you do this too?" John asked, slowly stroking Rodney's cock.

Rodney shook his head. He needed to rest his weight on his arm in order to reach his ass. "Not sure I need it," Rodney confessed, his voice deep and edged and nothing like his.

Stopping the hand on Rodney's cock mid-stroke, John turned their fingers and Rodney groaned. Then he began rubbing Rodney's prostate with small, relentless touches that were going to send Rodney over the edge. John knew it, too. Somehow he'd managed to learn more about Rodney's body than Rodney himself knew, and he was going to use that knowledge to make Rodney come, because he got off on making Rodney come, and Rodney was going to let him, because he wanted John to do things to him, wanted John to look at him.

It felt like something exploded inside of him when he came, muscles contracting and clenching, fluid going everywhere. John kept touching him, even when Rodney's ass tightened around their fingers.

Rodney fell back against the bed, breathing so hard and fast that he knew somewhere in his head brain cells were dying. He didn't care.

John gently eased their fingers all of the way out and then stretched out over him. Rodney wrapped his arms around John's shoulders, burying his face in John's neck. John held him and kissed his shoulder, and when Rodney's shaking eased he whispered, "Jesus, Rodney."

Rodney couldn't help it, he chuckled. He had no idea why, other than it helped him feel a little more normal.

Pulling back, John smiled at him. "I can't believe you. You just--" He shook his head once and kissed Rodney softly, lingering.

"You can fuck me if you want," Rodney said when they parted.

"But you--"


John rested his forehead on Rodney's. "I'm so hard it hurts," he admitted.

Rodney cupped the back of John's neck in his hand and rubbed it a little. "So fuck me."

John kissed him again, deeper and less softly, before shifting back onto his knees and picking up the lube. Rodney watched as he quickly coated himself. Then he stretched out over Rodney, resting his weight on one hand, while positioning his cock with the other.

Sliding his hands up John's sides, Rodney smiled his permission and John pushed. Rodney's body gave way willingly, letting him in. John groaned, sliding all of the way inside with one long stroke. Apparently there were advantages to fucking after coming so hard you nearly passed out.

John had closed his eyes, and Rodney touched his cheek. John looked at him. "I can't hold back," he whispered.

"You don't need to."

John kissed him again, then he began to move with small, slow strokes. Rodney wrapped his legs around John and moved with him. It was strange to have John inside him like this, when Rodney himself was feeling more relaxed than aroused. But it felt good. Intimate.

Rodney caressed John's cheek with his thumb. "You can move however you want," he said quietly. "You don’t have to be so careful."

"I need to."

Rodney didn't have an answer for that, doubted he'd ever have an answer for that. So he raised himself up enough that he could kiss John. John returned the kiss and Rodney felt John's warmth flood him. John shuddered through his orgasm while Rodney held him, pressing tiny kisses to his ear and the side of his face. He held John long after the shuddering eased, stroking John's back with his hand.

His softening cock slipped from Rodney's body, but John didn't move until Rodney pointed out that he was heavier than he looked. He shifted to the side, resting his head next to Rodney's on the pillow and his arm across Rodney's waist.

"How come you never ask for what you want?" John asked, and Rodney turned to look at him.

"I have what I want."

"Do you? You never ask for anything, so sometimes I'm not sure."

"Is there something I should ask for?"

"Only what you want." John seemed to drift a way for a moment, then he added. "If you wanted to fuck me, you could."

Rodney nodded once. "Okay."

"Okay you want to, or okay now you know?"

"Okay I know."

"Oh, all right." John sounded a little disappointed.

"I've thought about it," Rodney admitted.

"You have?"

Rodney smiled at the hopeful note in John's voice. "Yes."

"Did you jerk off while you thought about it?"

Rodney laughed. "I'm not telling."

"You totally did." John smiled broadly. "Was it in the shower?"



"It was in bed."

"You took your time and really enjoyed it, didn't you?" John sounded so proud that one would have thought he was actually present.

"Yes," Rodney said, letting his amusement show.

John smirked and kissed him. "I've thought about it, too."

"Good." It was good. Rodney liked knowing that John had imagined Rodney fucking him, but it wasn't what he wanted. "There is something I want," he said carefully.

"What?" John asked with a playful smile. "Because I'll give you pretty much anything. Other than water sports. Some bodily fluids just shouldn't be part of sex. And fisting. There are some places that weren't meant for a whole hand. Unless you wanted me to do you, in which case--"

Rodney kissed him just to shut him up. "I want you to stay the night. I want you to be here in the morning."

Rodney expected John to say no, to tell him it was too much of a risk, to point out that the bed barely held them when they were awake. But he didn't. He just smiled and said, "Okay."

Looking back up at the ceiling, Rodney didn't answer right away, then he said, "Do you want to hear about how I fucked you?"

John's arm tightened on his waist, and John shifted a little closer, pressing his entire body into Rodney's side. "Yes."

"Well, first…"