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Closing and Opening


Title: Closing and Opening

Author: chelle

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Fandom: Atlantis

Archive: Ask first

Rating: NC 17

AN: Post-Trinity, with a thank you to Grrrl. The title is taken from e.e. cummings:
i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only that something in me understands

"Why are you angry?" Dr. Heightmeyer asked, leaning forward. "After all, weren't you the one in charge? Couldn't you have refused to let Dr. McKay go through with the test?"

Raising his hand, John knocks. When the door slides open Rodney looks surprised, then his expression settles into a combination of hope and anxiety. John wants to look away, but he doesn't.

"He should have listened to Zelenka," John said, because Rodney should have.

"You trust Dr. Zelenka's judgment."

"He's a solid, reliable man."

"But he's not the one you have faith in."

He should say something, but every word he'd had planned has vanished. Rodney opens his mouth and John touches his cheek, stopping him from speaking.

"I hate the way he looks at me."

"How does he look at you?"

"Like I'm some big hero."

"Aren't you?"

John steps further into Rodney's space. Rodney's looking at him wide-eyed, not concealing a damned thing. John leans down.

"Dr. McKay's feelings for you make you uncomfortable."

John wanted to deny it, but he couldn't. Even a blind man could see the way Rodney looks at him.

Rodney's mouth opens under his. Nothing held back. So much want it makes John's chest ache, but he can't turn back now.

"Have you ever seen Rodney talk about science? He's like a little kid. Subspace and other dimensions, and particles with unpronounceable names, he loves it."

"What about you?"

"I think it's pretty cool, but don't tell Rodney that."

Lowering the zipper on Rodney's shirt, John slides his mouth along Rodney's neck. He can feel Rodney's pulse beneath his lips. Rodney's heart is pounding.

John's is too.

"You think I'm angry because Rodney failed. Because he's not perfect."

"Aren't you?"

"Anyone who's met the man knows he's not perfect."

"What we know and what we believe are not always the same thing."

John pushes Rodney's shirt out of the way, wanting skin beneath his hands. Rodney's warm, soft in the places John thought would be soft, but he has muscles John hadn't expected. John likes that.

"Why does he care so much what I think?"

"Why does it bother you that he cares?"

John really doesn't like talking to shrinks.

Rodney is on the bed with John stretched out over him. John is looking at Rodney's chest because he can't look at his face.

Then Rodney says, "Colonel," and John lifts his eyes. Once he does, he can't look away.

"It bothers me when people need outside validation, outside approval."

"Because you don't."

She says it in a tone that makes a liar of him.

They're kissing again, and Rodney's arms are around his shoulders, holding on. John slides a hand down Rodney's side, promising Rodney that he's not going anywhere.

Rodney groans a little and loosens his hold, sliding one hand down John's back.

Rodney has broad, warm hands.

"He isn't an easy man to like," Heightmeyer said.

John considered it a pointless observation. If she was expecting him to defend Rodney, she was going to be disappointed.

"I like him."

"I know."

Rodney arches when John sucks on his nipple.

Then he guides John's mouth back to his. So much hunger, and John can't tell anymore if it's his or Rodney's. He just knows that he wants.

Rodney lifts his hips, rubbing his cock on John's skin.

He wants, too.

"I hate being afraid," John said, and Heightmeyer merely nodded.

Rodney is under him. His legs are wrapped around John's, and his mouth is on John's, and his hands are stroking John's back.

John is moving his hips, rubbing his cock against Rodney's skin.

Rodney rubs back, moving with him.

John groans into his mouth.

"We all have to face our fears eventually," Heightmeyer said and John laughed.

John settles between Rodney's legs, his head on Rodney's chest. Rodney is stroking his hair with one hand and John thinks he should say something but he doesn't want to talk.

Rodney talks all the time, but he hasn't said a word. John wonders if it's because Rodney senses his mood, or because he doesn't have anything to say either.

When Rodney strokes the back of his neck, John shudders.

"I trust you," he says at last.

"I know."