And Then The Aliens Made Us...

"You will be released."

John breathed a sigh of relief and gave Rodney a sidelong, 'I told you so' glance.

"As soon as you have sex."

Feeling his eyebrows rise, John said, "Excuse me? Did you just say as soon as we have sex?"

The Phidean nodded, its antennae moving in circles. "We have observed that unlike most species humans engage in sexual activity for what appear to be purely recreational reasons."

"Well, yes…"

"But we don't do so publicly," Rodney added, and John shot him a grateful look.

"It is a private thing," Teyla said.

John nodded. He had such a good team. "A very private thing."

"That is why we have never been able to witness it as closely as our scientists would like."

"As much as I would like to accommodate your scientists, that really isn't something we can do, but we will be happy to give you information, diagrams, books…" He glanced at Rodney who added, "videos."

"Those are created for entertainment purposes, I assume."

"Well, yes," Rodney conceded.

"Our scientists wish to observe the interactions of real people."

"I’m sorry, but that isn't something we can do." John looked at his team and then back at the Phidean. "We have sex as part of established couples, and none of us are--"

"We know that is not true, Major." The Phidean looked at Rodney and then back at John. Subtle, it wasn't.

John looked at Rodney, who looked back at him, eyes wide and mouth slightly open in that about to panic look John hadn't seen in a while.

"You and Dr. McKay will engage in sex for our scientists. You and your teammates will remain here until you do so."

"That's crazy," Ford said, "They can't--"

The Phidean turned its head and gazed steadily at Ford who fell silent. He looked back at John and Rodney. Rodney had inched closer to John. "It is your choice," the Phidean said.

Stay here or have sex. It wasn't a difficult choice. John slipped his hand into Rodney's. "Fine. We'll do it."

***

The room was sterile--white walls with a large, pristine bed in the center. It didn't have any windows or cameras that John could see and that somehow made it worse.

"I can't believe we agreed to this." Rodney was standing a few feet away, next to the bed.

"We didn't exactly have a lot of options. What I want to know is how they knew."

"We kissed."

"In the woods. When we were alone."

"They must have been watching." Rodney looked around the room. "Like they are now."

"Right." John looked around the room, too.

"No cameras. I wonder…" Rodney began walking the circumference of the room, examining the walls with his hands.

John watched him cover two of the walls, before stopping him. "Rodney."

Rodney looked over his shoulder at him.

"I don't think you're going to find anything."

"I suppose not," Rodney said, removing his hands from the wall.

"We should--" John looked at the bed.

"Right." Rodney was on the other side of the bed, and he looked down at it as well. "I just wish I knew where they were watching from."

"Yeah, me too."

"We could keep our clothes on."

John nodded. "It's not like we've never come in our pants."

"You just had to mention that."

John grinned. "It's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"You came too."

"Yeah, but you came first."

Rodney ignored John's smug grin, something he was getting far too good at. It took all of the fun out of Rodney baiting. "I can't believe we're talking about this while who knows who is listening."

"And watching." John looked up at the ceiling. It was as bare as the walls. "The sooner we do this, the sooner we'll be able to get out of here."

"Fine." Rodney climbed onto the bed. "The least they could've done was given us pillows."

And blankets, John thought, but he didn't say it. Instead he lay down next to Rodney. "Guess we should…"

"If we face each other they won't be able to see as much."

"Good point." John rolled onto his side. Rodney did the same. "How you doin'?"

"Did you just say, 'how you doin'?"

"I'm trying to set a mood, here."

"With 'how you doin'? Do I look like someone Joey Tribiani would hit on?"

"You watched Friends," John accused.

Rodney snorted. "It was on forever, after a certain point it became unavoidable."

"You had a thing for Rachel didn't you?"

"Phoebe, actually."

"Phoebe? You had a thing for Phoebe?"

"What's wrong with Phoebe?" Rodney asked, looking slightly affronted.

"I just never pictured you as a Phoebe kind of guy."

"I like women who sing about smelly cats."

"Of course you do," John said, sounding less than convinced.

"Are we going to have sex or discuss mediocre American television programs?"

"There are good American television shows."

"I didn't say there weren't."

"We could talk about those," John suggested.

"Or we could have sex and go home."

"Good point." John cupped Rodney's flaccid dick through his pants.

"What are you doing?"

In John's opinion that should have been obvious, but sometimes Rodney wasn't very observant. "Initiating sex."

"By sticking your hand on my dick? Is that your usual follow-up to 'how you doin'?"

"I figured we should try to keep it simple."

"Right, simple, of course." Rodney put his hand on John's dick, which didn't respond any more enthusiastically than Rodney's had. John's dick was normally very fond of Rodney's hands. It had been known to the react to the sight of Rodney's hands on Ancient circuitry, computer keyboards, jumper controls… But today? Nada.

"Gee, I feel so loved," Rodney said after a couple minutes of pointless groping.

"Me, too," John muttered, letting go of Rodney's dick and rolling onto his back.

"Maybe we should demand fluffers."

John couldn't help it; he started to laugh. "Why does stuff like this always happen to us?"

"Because we're out there, boldly going where no man has gone before."

"No one."

"In this case, I think man is more appropriate."

"Cute," John said, and Rodney smiled smugly. John returned to his side. "You really got off on that, didn't you?"

"I really did," Rodney admitted. "Can you blame me?"

John snorted.

"The handsome, dashing pilot deflowered by yours truly."

"I wasn't exactly a blushing virgin."

Rodney caressed John's cheek with his fingers. "Close enough."

"You have such an ego." John was smiling as he said it.

"Only about some things."

Which was true, John just hadn't expected Rodney to admit it, but Rodney had a habit of admitting things other people would take to the grave. John kissed him, briefly but tenderly.

"I really do like having sex with you," Rodney said when they parted.

"I've noticed that."

Rodney nodded. "Good. I just don't want anyone watching us."

"Me, either."

"If it were bad sex, I wouldn't mind so much."

John blinked. "You wouldn't mind if someone watched us have bad sex?"

"I'd mind, just not as much."

"Because?"

"It's not as personal. When it's good, you let go more, reveal more of yourself. That's what makes it good."

Rodney actually made sense. "And you don't want anyone watching you," John said.

"Or you. I don't want to share you with some perverted insectoid aliens. Only I get to see you like that."

Which was sweet in a weird, possessive kind of way. "I don't want other people--or insects--seeing you like that, either." He really didn't because when Rodney let go, he really let go. It was amazing and sexy as hell, and there was no way John was sharing that with anyone else.

"We just have to have bad sex."

John frowned. "People have bad sex all the time. It can't be that hard."

"Are you trying to claim you've never had bad sex?"

"I've never had bad sex with you. Besides there's the whole Carlin argument." At Rodney's puzzled look, John added, "Sex is like pizza, even when it's bad, it's good."

"I've had really bad pizza." Rodney's expression turned thoughtful. "Of course I kind of liked it. Is it still bad if I liked it?" John groaned and closed his eyes. Rodney slid his fingers into John's hair. "We could try for mediocre sex," Rodney said gently.

John's laugh came out closer to a snort.

"I'm sure we could manage it."

John opened his eyes. "Minimal kissing. Just enough to get things going."

Rodney nodded. "No nipples."

"Or that spot on my neck."

"I will not go anywhere near that spot on your neck."

"Okay, and we keep our clothes on," John said.

"Just unzipping," Rodney agreed.

Mediocre sex. They could have mediocre sex. "Just a little kissing," John reminded Rodney, before bringing their lips together. The kiss was stiff. His lips were stiff, Rodney's were stiff. There wasn't any giving anywhere. Still, they persisted, and when Rodney parted his lips, John pushed his tongue inside. Rodney tasted like he always did, but somehow this time it just wasn't a turn on. He drew back.

"I don't think too much kissing is going to be a problem," Rodney said and John sighed.

"No, I guess not."

Rodney pushed his hand under John's shirt.

"Hey!"

"We've got to do something," Rodney pointed out in his annoying, practical whine. Only Rodney could whine when being practical.

"Fine." Rodney had a really nice touch, firm, but giving. John liked being touched by Rodney. He liked it a lot. Rodney's hand moved over his side and stomach and then up toward his chest. His fingers brushed John's nipples. "You said no nipples."

"I meant mine. Yours aren't as sensitive."

That was true, but John didn't think Rodney needed to point it out. He put his own hand under Rodney's shirt. Rodney's skin was usually warm and smooth, but today it felt almost clammy. John assumed it was nerves. He touched anyway, because this was Rodney. And because they had to.

John wasn't getting hard. He didn't think Rodney was either. John withdrew his hand and turned onto his back.

Rodney stopped moving his hand, resting it in the center of John's chest. "Maybe if we tried to pretend we were somewhere else."

"Like where?"

"I don't know. The Poconos?"

"The Poconos. Want to take a bath in a heart-shaped tub, do you?"

"Where do you think we should pretend to be? And don't you dare say the jumper."

John refrained from commenting on Rodney's failure to answer his tub question. "There is nothing wrong with having sex in the jumper."

"Except that every time we've tried it, we've almost been caught. My dick still hasn't fully recovered from getting shut in that control panel."

"It worked fine last night."

"You were sucking on it," Rodney said.

"So?"

"So, for your sucking it was willing to make the effort."

"I'm flattered."

"You should be."

"I could suck you off in the jumper."

"No."

John sighed. "On the beach."

"Too much sand."

"Not if you do it on a blanket."

"We can barely manage to stay on a bed," Rodney pointed out.

"Those beds are narrower than most blankets."

"We're finally in a real bed and we can't do anything. How unfair is that?"

John ran his hand up Rodney's arm to his shoulder. "Extremely." Cupping the back of Rodney's head in his hand, he pulled Rodney into a kiss. This kiss was more like their usual kisses, but with more affection in it than heat. "Still, I'd rather be here with you than anyone else."

"You mean you don't want to be forced to have sex with Ford?"

"No." John kissed him again.

"Me either, although he is kind of cute." Rodney's expression turned thoughtful. "Teyla's got those abs, and she can beat you up."

"And that's always a turn on."

Rodney grinned. "It is for me."

"See if I ever blow you in the jumper again."

This time Rodney kissed him. "So we're on a beach."

"There's a full moon, and the waves are beating gently against the shore."

"How romantic."

John smiled. "It is. Just us, lying in the moonlight, listening to the water."

"We are naked, right?"

"Actually, we're in BDUs."

"I knew you had a uniform fetish," Rodney said, and John thought, not for the first time, that Rodney's smile was a little dorky. He liked dorky.

"Why do you think I joined the military?"

"Because it gave you a chance to meet hot physicists."

"Like Zelenka."

"Yes, exactly like Zelenka," Rodney said with a roll of his eyes.

"I knew you had a thing for him."

"He does have that accent."

John kissed him, capturing Rodney's lip with his and sucking lightly before slipping his tongue inside. Rodney's hand moved across his skin, caressing, and John felt himself get hard. He eased his own hand under Rodney's shirt, stroking his back before sliding his hand around to tease Rodney's nipples.

"Wait, wait." Rodney pulled back. "We agreed no nipples."

"Right, sorry. I forgot."

Rodney squeezed John's dick, which had hardened. John squeezed his in return. "It appears some things are working again," Rodney said.

"Mmmm," John agreed, initiating another kiss, but suddenly all he could think about was the fact that the Phideans were watching them somehow, probably recording them. His enthusiasm faded.

Letting go of John's dick, Rodney rolled onto his back. "We're never going to be able to do this."

"If we don't, we're stuck here for the rest of our lives, not having sex."

"Jerk me off."

"What?"

Rodney opened his pants, pulled out his half-erect cock, and placed John's hand on it. "Jerk me off. I'll close my eyes and pretend we're somewhere else. Once I'm done they'll let us go."

John didn't like the idea, but he didn't have a better one. He squeezed Rodney's cock affectionately and then began to stroke. Rodney slowly hardened, and John shifted onto his side, his mouth close enough to Rodney's ear that he could whisper and hopefully only Rodney would hear him. "I do this to you on the beach. We're both naked, and there's a cool breeze blowing over us. We're entangled, wrapped up in each other, kissing and touching, and I reach for your cock. I start to jerk you off, just like this."

Rodney moaned softly and John took that as a sign he should continue. "You love it when I get you off like this, because I know exactly how to touch you. I've studied you, learned what you like, what makes you feel good."

"John," Rodney said quietly, turning his head so they could kiss. John was hard again, too, and he pressed his cock into Rodney's side. Before long they had a good rhythm going-- the two of them kissing, John stroking Rodney's cock and rubbing himself against Rodney through his BDUs.

John forgot all about the Phideans, because when they were together like this all that mattered was making Rodney feel good, and feeling good himself, and feeling good with Rodney.

Then the door opened.

Letting go of one another they bolted upright, Rodney fumbling with his pants. The Phidean they'd been talking to earlier entered, at least John thought it was her, him, it. Trying to tell the Phideans apart was like trying to tell two ants apart.

"We have decided to let you go," the Phidean said.

"Great," John glanced at Rodney. "That's great." He slid from the bed, leaving Rodney to button himself back up. "Can I ask why?"

"When it became apparent that you would not be able to perform, the decision was made to let you go. Your teammates were most persuasive in their arguments in this regard, and we have made an agreement with Teyla for an exchange of information."

"Great," John said, "That's, um…" He searched for a word other than great.

"Great," Rodney said.

"I thought you would be pleased." The Phidean did the twirling thing with its antennae again.

"We are. We're…" John glanced at Rodney, "very pleased."

"Very pleased," Rodney echoed.

"I will take you back to your teammates."

John and Rodney followed it through a long hall to where Teyla and Ford were waiting. John's erection had faded pretty quickly, but he was still feeling the buzz of having almost had sex. He suspected Rodney was too.

Ford and Teyla were waiting for them near the entrance to the Phidean's hive, mound, John still wasn't sure what to call it. Ford was clearly trying not to smile. He was failing miserably. John glared directly at him as Ford handed him his P-90. Ford's not-smile didn't fade even slightly. John strapped on his gun and turned toward the Phidean, unsure what he was going to say. "Thank you, we'll have to do this again sometime" seemed somehow inappropriate.

Teyla came to his rescue, smiling warmly at the Phidean, thanking the Phideans for their hospitality, and reminding it of the trade arrangements they'd made. John had never been as grateful for her poise as he was at this moment.

Farewells exchanged, they left. It wasn't that long a walk back to the gate, but it seemed to take forever. John called a halt when they were in sight of the DHD. "Listen, I don't know what you guys said, but Rodney and I are grateful."

"Well, sir, when it became obvious that you and Dr. McKay weren't going to be able to, you know, perform, Teyla and I decided we--"

"Lieutenant," John said, cutting him off.

"Yes, sir?"

"When someone says expresses gratitude the proper response is 'you're welcome.'"

"You're welcome, sir."

John gave him a quick nod. "Right. I trust that keeping this a secret won't be a problem for either of you."

"We already knew. I mean it's pretty obvious to--"

This time it was Teyla who glared at Ford. John was a bit put out to discover that her glare worked more quickly than his had. "Let me do the talking at the debriefing."

"You can explain why we're sending porn to the nice insect people."

"Yes, I can," John answered without turning to look directly at Rodney.

"Good, because I don't want to explain it."

"I can handle it."

"I'm sure you can."

"Then why are we discussing it?"

"Because you called a halt to our walk home. Apparently, you wanted to discuss it."

"Rodney."

"I think we should leave now," Teyla said diplomatically.

"Yes, yes, we should." Rodney started walking toward the DHD. Ford and Teyla started after him. John sighed and followed.

***

"We have a trade agreement," John said triumphantly, sitting down at the briefing table.

"That's good news." Elizabeth smiled. "We won't be trading arms this time, I trust."

Ford snickered and the rest of the team glared at him.

"Major?" Elizabeth asked.

"Teyla actually made the agreement." He smiled at Teyla, who gave him her best diplomatic smile.

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow.

"I was…" John started. He was a better liar than this. He could come up with an explanation, but suddenly all he could think about was Rodney liking women who sing about smelly cats.

"In a lab," Rodney said, and John looked at him. "Touring a lab," Rodney added hastily, "with me."

"I see," Elizabeth said in the tone she used when she knew they weren't telling her everything, but was willing to let it go. John heard that tone a lot. "Teyla?" she asked, turning her full attention on Teyla, for which John was grateful.

"The Phideans make an extremely useful metal--" Teyla began.

"It's non-conductive, and pliable, but strong," Rodney put in. "The potential uses are almost limitless."

"Could you build a ferris wheel with it?" John asked. He'd meant to ask earlier, but hadn't gotten the chance.

"I could, but why would I?"

"Teyla," Elizabeth said. "We're getting the metal. What are we giving them in return?"

Teyla squirmed a little. John had never seen Teyla squirm. It was… interesting. "The Phideans are not humanoid."

"We knew that before the mission."

Teyla nodded. "They are fascinated by human reproduction and sexuality. They would like us to supply them with materials describing these things."

"I see. I'm sure Dr. Beckett has some--"

Teyla shook her head. "They are familiar with human anatomy. They wish to know more about the role of sex in human culture and relationships."

"We're giving them porn," Rodney said.

Ford burst out laughing, and four sets of eyes fell on him. "Sorry," he said, his laughter subsiding.

"Porn," Elizabeth said. Then she began to giggle. "We're giving porn to insects."

"It beats the alternative," Rodney muttered and John glared at him.

Fortunately, Elizabeth was too busy giggling to notice.

***

"You're imagining them watching, aren't you?" John said, lifting his mouth from Rodney's cock.

"What? Of course not."

"You are. You're practically performing."

"Oh, please, if you were sucking my dick any more theatrically there'd be stage lights and an applause sign."

John crawled up Rodney's body, until he was stretched out over him. "Admit it. You find the idea of being watched hot."

"You're the one who wants to have sex in public places."

"That beach was deserted." John waited for the inevitable jumper remark, but it never arrived. Instead, Rodney pulled him into a kiss. A long, hot, short-circuits-your-brain kiss.

Then he whispered, "Just imagine the cameras."

John could imagine that, especially if he could place them at just the right angle to Rodney's ass.